"Sometimes I wish I could turn back time to before my best friend took his life because we fought a few weeks before he did and the last thing that I ever said to him was that I never wanted to see him again. I didn't mean It, I was upset you know? It's changed the very essence of my being ever since. I loved him, I was in love with him and even 7 years later the thought of it kills me. But you can't turn back time and you can't change things. Now I have to live with that pain, the memory, and wondering if he knows just how much I did love him. How much I didn't mean it, how if maybe I had been there it wouldn't have happened. After I got the news I spiraled downwards into drugs and self-destruction because I just couldn't live with myself. It was a long time before I got it together and landed myself in rehab because I just couldn't bring myself to live with the pain. Over the last 7 years, i've been allowed myself to be in bad relationships because I was always afraid, I never wanted to fight with people or kick people out of my life no matter how toxic they were. I lived in constant fear. I never wanted to go to sleep mad because I thought what if I said something and woke up to see they were gone. What if the same thing happened again to this person? I knew I couldn't live with it so I allowed people to treat me poorly, I was afraid to stand up for myself or to even argue.
I was terrified after just getting out of rehab a few months before falling pregnant with my daughter Ivy. I still wasn't in the best place in my life and her father wasn't the best person either. I chose to be a mother, to leave him, and raise her on my own. It was the scariest thing I have ever had to do. I won't sit here and pretend it's been all rainbows and sunshine but because of her I try harder and I don't spiral out of control. I have absolutely had slip ups but thankfully I have amazing support who are there to get me on the right track. For Ivy's sake, I will never stop trying to do everything possible for her so she can have the life she deserves. I know without a doubt if it wasn't for my girl I probably wouldn't even be here
My day-to-day life is greatly affected by Mental Health because I never know when I'm going to be on the up or down, it can shift at any given moment and it's terrifying. I could be having a wonderful day one minute and then boom I'm in a room by myself and all of a sudden my brain is trying to convince me that all hope is lost, that Ivy would be better off, and that there's no point anymore. It's exhausting fighting a constant battle with your own brain which has even landed me in the hospital a few times. It's truly scary but I am now finally reaching a point of recovery, hope, triumph.
The gym is my safe haven. I started going to the gym because it helped me both mentally and emotionally. After I a while I said to myself, "wow! I am losing weight and feeling even better as each day passed." I just wanted to be the mother Ivy needed, so instead of always being scared, anxious, sad, or feeling like my life was getting sucked out of me; I looked to the gym as my savior. While I work out, my anxiety goes down, almost as if my brain shuts off and all the bad thoughts go away. The feeling is pure bliss for me and my heart and soul is at the gym. Now Ivy and I run, hike, and we even do yoga together. She is my number one fan, as well as my drill sergeant; always encouraging me to go to the gym and do yoga. She keeps me on point while also learning healthy habits and it's wonderful. Since I started getting my life back on track I have managed to lose over 130 lbs!
What I love most about myself is how hard I have worked to love myself. I am fighting harder than I've ever had to. Being surrounded by negativity can truly feel like your soul is being ripped from your being. It's very intimidating and terrifying like you wouldn't believe. I know I have inspired others over the last few years and as much as it's a great feeling I am more concerned with inspiring myself now. Battling anxiety among other mental illness' has changed every single thought and action within me. Trying to have a positive impact on the world is draining but I couldn't imagine it any other way. I feel like we can all make that same impact, through every heartbreak and every setback. I wouldn't be here today if I didn't have the support system I have behind me to pick me up at my weak points. I want to show people that they can do it too! Whether it's losing weight or battling mental health. Anything is possible."